You're Not Listening to Me

How often have we heard it? How often have we said it?

The hard truth is that most human beings are not very good at listening. We listen just long enough to think of a response. We track what’s being said until we begin formulating our reply — and then we stop really listening as we prepare what we’re going to say next. And if we think our point is important enough, we interrupt.

When we stop listening, the other person knows. Think about the last time you were aware someone had stopped listening while you were talking. How did that feel? That’s exactly how your people feel when you’re composing a response instead of hearing them.

Why does this happen? Psychologists have established that while our brains can run some tasks simultaneously, they cannot fully engage in multiple cognitive tasks at once. We can’t be fully present in a conversation and simultaneously compose our response. So we rapidly switch attention — a process called cognitive switching. We do twice as much, half as well.

The organizational cost is significant. Studies consistently show that most employees can’t clearly state what their manager wants them to do — even as their managers believe those goals have been clearly, repeatedly communicated.

What to do about it:

Awareness is the first step. The moment you notice you’re constructing a response rather than continuing to listen, bring your attention back to what’s being said. Ask clarifying questions. Confirm your understanding: “So what you’re saying is … have I got that right?”

Ask for confirmation in return: “Would you repeat back what I’ve just asked you to do — just so we’re on the same page?”

It might take slightly longer. But if you and your team focus on understanding rather than merely conversing, there will be less miscommunication, fewer mistakes, less wasted time — and better relationships all around.

What would that be worth to you?